What you need to do to find love that´s stronger than you ever imagined and where to start

Hello my friends,

Today’s topic is something I thought about a lot and more important I struggled with it for many years. It´s about finding love.

Disclaimer before, if you want a quick fix that tells you how to find your soulmate right now without any work or action from your side then better stop reading this.

So, you still here? Then let´s jump right into it.

Love is this wonderful feeling that everybody wants and once you got it it´s hard to describe. So, why doesn´t everybody have a loving, caring and nurturing long-term-relationship? I believe that one part of the answer is that in our information age it´s made more complicated than it is. Because a post like I am about to write is not a good point to sell something and especially not over a long period of time.

So, I believe part of the problem is commercializing everything. It´s of course not the root of all evil but it is many times a root. Advertising and selling are normal, we all do it when we solicitate for a position or when we meet somebody. Then we try to put ourselves in the best light possible and that´s okay. However, especially in the areas of fitness and relationships is it many times everything is made too complex in order to sell more.

One simple example, I recently found some of my old fitness magazines. They are more than 10 years old and you could just put them back into the shelf and sell them. The only thing that changed is the advertisements in between. But the actions, workouts, and nutrition did not change. It´s simple. It was always simple and it will not get more complicated. Focus on moving more and eating well. That´s it.

And I believe that´s the same with finding love and everything around relationships. It´s made more complicated than it´s.

Just think about this great example of what magazines are telling us: You cannot understand women. You would need a whole library and still, you wouldn´t have understood them.  But buy our magazines, books and other products and you have a chance.

But how do they then explain couples that are together for 50 and more years and still look loving and caring at each other? Isn´t that impossible without understanding the other one hundred percent?

That´s where it all falls apart. Because a lot of the things the magazines are telling us are unimportant, they totally miss the point. It´s not about understanding women or humans fully. Rather it´s about being yourself, listening and showing empathy.

We are humans, especially for ourselves we are a mystery. Thus, how should anybody else understand us fully when we cannot understand ourselves fully? I simply think the answer is: “not!”. The wonderful thing is that it doesn´t matter. It´s not important.

So, we don´t need a lot of this complicated information but where do we start to find our soulmate?

I actually believe that you don´t find your soulmate. If at all then you find each other. But more likely it´s partly you finding each other and partly “universe” helping out. By universe, I mean something bigger than we can grasp you can also call it energy, coincidence, chaos, or whatever you prefer. The point is that I believe that the world is too big and complicated that there is not an effect of chance included.

However, it´s not important how the allocation is between you, he or she and “universe” making the meeting possible. The important part is to realize that the only part you have any control over is YOU.

Yeah, I told you before that you will not like this advice. Sorry but I believe fully that it´s true. 

The good thing about it, it actually is more simple than a lot of the advice out there. Instead of having to influence everybody, understand everybody and everything, and conceal yourself you just work on you. You focus on this one being until you are ready to meet somebody else. And at one magic moment, you meet this special one.

One sentence that I like tremendously and explains it quite well is:

” You can only help the ones you love when you are taking care of yourself first. You can´t help anybody when you are broken.”

So, it´s simple but not easy: “You start with yourself.” But how do you actually do it?

That´s where it gets difficult but it´s still simple! You take a step back. You stop thinking about meeting your significant other and you only focus on you. You start asking yourself questions that are difficult to answer but important. Questions like:

• How do I want to live?
• What do I want to achieve?
• What do I want to explore?
• What person do I want to be?
• Which values are important to me?
• What attributes are important for me to have?

You write down answers to those questions and you reflect over them. They can change over time and your answers become more exact. They don´t have to be perfect but you need to understand yourself better. Because only if you have a goal, no matter how vague it is in the beginning, you can move into this direction.

Personally, I started with mostly “borrowed” lines from the internet. I just looked for things that I thought are important in a “good” life.

The next step is to look for things that you can do to become more of the person you want to be. If you don´t know where to start then try things. Continue doing things you like and enjoy and that are making you more of the person you want to be and just stop doing the other things.

We all want to be healthy and fit for our whole life. Hence, the best place to start in my opinion is with that. Look for something active to do and how to improve your diet.

We all want people in our lives that we love, trust, enjoy being around and that motivates us. Hence, another good place to start is connecting more to the important people in our lives. Talk to your friends or family and tell them that you love them and that you are happy to have them. Do something with them or for them. Go for a walk, cook with them, or play a board game.

From there on, continue looking for things that you can do to become more of the person you want to be. Every now and then look back into your notes, or reflect about your life if you are moving in a good direction to be the person you believe you can be.

It´s okay to never reach your “ideal” picture of yourself. It´s more like a navigational system on your way. And the way is the goal, isn´t it?

Therefore, enjoy your life and build it on your terms. That means often difficult decisions but as they say:

“Easy choices, difficult life.
Difficult choices, Easy life.”

So, you might think: “But what does this have to do with finding my better half?”

Good question! It has to do everything with finding your better half. Because, only if you know yourself (at least a bit, I am not sure if you will ever know yourself fully) then you are ready for your soulmate. Because ideally, your soulmate is doing the same while you are on this journey.

But I think there is one more important factor that you have to ask yourself before you are ready.

What do I look for in a partner?

Yes, after you started to understand yourself and to live the life you decided to live for yourself. Then you ask yourself “What do I look for in a partner?” Also here, there is no general rule I guess.

But I suggest doing it the same way I did. Look on the internet for the characteristics of a good partner. Then, write them down. Look every now and then at this list and cut out things that you no longer see as important, or add things or summarize things together that shouldn´t be separated.

After some time you will think that´s quite close to the “perfect” partner. And then you forget about this list and you continue living your life.

While you continue living your life you focus on becoming the person that will attract this kind of ideal partner. That´s it.

For example, if you want a fit and healthy partner then you try your best on moving regularly and eating well.

Or when you want an honest partner then you focus on being honest to people and yourself.

And so on.

And when you least expect it he/she will come around the corner and maybe directly or after some time you will be thinking: “That´s him or her” Maybe you will look over your list and be amazed how many attributes and values he or she has from that list. Maybe even all of them but maybe reflecting about it, the ones missing weren´t that important to you. However, most important, you will feel with all your body that this is the one to not let go. And you will be as ready as one can be to go for it all the way. And you will do. Believe me, since I didn´t believe it some years before and now I am here, having more than I ever dreamt of. Mainly, because I stopped searching actively for it and focused on myself.

I also want you to know that I am still on the journey of getting to know myself better. It seems to be a big part of life and since we always change, adapt and evolve is it a continuous process. Most important is that we continue asking ourselves those big questions. Because only then we have a chance to make the best decisions in the here and now.

I wish you a lot of patience and success for your journey.

All the best,

Alexander